SUPER BOWL

Hi! So it indeed HAS been awhile. I've been very busy trying to perfect my subway etiquette, so have not had time to post. From now on, I think we're going to try to do more frequent, but shorter posts so we can keep up the upkeep of the site instead of taking this random month long hiatuses.. hiatae... hiatu..., er, breaks.

So did everyone watch the Super Bowl? I just wanted to make some brief observations about the most important part. No, not PUPPY BOWL (omg puppies), nor the snacks (mmm pigs in a blankie!) but the ads, of course. Now, we all have our opinions about the advertisements for Super Bowl, but, as an aspiring ad agency gal (anyone know anyone hiring?), I'd like to put in my two cents.

I remember last year the gay community got upset (rightly so) over some anti-gay ads that showed some mechanics accidentally kissing and then looking disgusted (Hungry? Why wait?). It's actually pretty funny (watch it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMAvMvmSIPc ), but boys kissing isn't gross, right? But this year, i think the social group du jour who should be offended is (drumroll)-- Average Guys. How many commercials were out there projecting males as schlubby bros who like to chillax and secretly hate their gfs who drag them to the mall or make them do things they don't like to do, like have children, and would rather be scratching themselves and giving each other high fives?

I mean, come on world, I guess I am not a guy, so I do not know how they feel about this portrayal on the small screen, but I'd be offended at being whittled down to such imbecilic, simple boys. Is it too crazy to think that men out there are a little more multidimensional than frat dudes?

Also, girls out there, we watch the Super Bowl, too, right? Mainly for the commercials, yes? So you'd think they'd be maybe more than one commercial geared towards us? (Thanks Google, for the shout out; oh, and watch this google spoof: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcZ-arbR0EE). Overall Superbowl Commercial Grade: C (not lower because of the great commercial with Jay & Dave, Google, and Bud Lite; not higher because of GoDaddy, Dodge, and Bud Lite).

Anywho, that's the end of my rant. Does anyone agree? What was your fave commercial?

Metro Etiquette

Greetings!!! It's been awhile, I know. However, since the hh ("holiday hiatus") is behind us, it's time to get back to the grind. Luckily, the holiday did not stop me from observing life and other people's routines...doin my thannnggg.... .... ............(judge me)

Thereby, I think it's high-time I did a blog on how people should act on the metro, aka da 'tro. There has been some pretty inexcusible activity going on the DC 'tro and it needs to be addressed. Stealing from my partner in crime, I'm going to do a little listicle to address these issues. If you see people doing these things, or are someone who does them...(im judging YOU!!!), then please MAKE IT STOPPP!!!

• Umbrellas. Alright, so we all need a sturdy umbrella for a rainy day. Rainshells/coats do not protect your lunch, comp, etc. HOWEVER, I am very tired of seeing the oversized, golf canvass, tent sized umbrellas that do not allow people to get within 500 million feet of you. You may not think it's a problem because no one may walk around you in your commute to the metro. BUT THE PROBLEM LIES WHEN YOU GET ON THE ESCALATORS TO GO DOWN TO THE 'TRO AND YOU STRUGGLE PUTTING YOUR 'BRELLA DOWN BC YOU ARE NERVOUS KID. An elderly woman almost poked my eye out at the Pentagon city metro station bc 1) her umbrella had several exposed, uncavassed areas sticking out, due to "wear and tear" and 2) she "unknowingly" blocked my flight down the escalators as she explored how to make the thing collapse!!! aahhhhhhh!!! My Advice: Get a normal sized umbrella, but make an investment in it so that it is sturdy. Make sure that it fits in workbag and that all you need to do is press a button for it to open and collapse. On a side note...nothing is more funny than seeing someone's umbrella pop the wrong way due to intense wind activity and seeing them try to act cool and collected in getting it the right way when you KNOW they are panicking inside. It is super hilarious when said commuters are in the middle of the street.
• Escalators. I know I touched on this a little with the umbrellas, but not enough. Mainly, I take a certain pride in my ability to mount the escalators with ease. I never touch the side rails, and I always walk up while doing other things (checking my cell phone, putting on gloves and earmuffs, buttoning my coat...). Nothing touches my funny side more than to see grown men and women who dont know what they are doing get off the escalator. It is annoying when they are blocking the left walk lane (DC: left = walk, right = stand). Yet, most times, I can still do nothing more than laugh to myself when I see the struggle that is going on in a person's mind that makes itself visible through the small prance steps of their feet: "How do i dismount this thing?!" is what they are thinking. I love watching the little pitter patter steps people do on the last few seconds before the dismount. Some older people like to reach for a hand...someone's...anyone's hand! just a hand or a shoulder bc without one, they will fall/trip/or something of equal embarrassment. Icing on the Cake: Earlier this week, I saw a man who had just exited the metro start running up the down escalator. I was gaping up at him, because it was so funny how fast he had to run to make any progress going up. As you can imagine, it took forever, and he was doing more of a hyper up down motion than anything else. THEN, on the LAST. STEP. he tripped. I gasped. People watched. He scrambled with his hands down, feet kickin for a good 5 seconds ...literally parallel to the ground...before throwing himself onto the floor above. He was alone. No one could share his embarrassment. My Advice: You don't want to be this person. Follow the rules. And don't have escalator anxiety. It's not cute. And I am laughing at your stutter steps.
• Cell phones. I have overheard quite some interesting phone conversations in the metro and it overwhelms me with what people want you to hear, etc. I have to 'tro past Reagan everyday, and the typical phone convo i hear is "just got on the metro, ill be there in 15". That makes sense, because obviously they just landed from somewhere and need to make contact with ...whoever. But nothing bothers me more than overhearing a useless conversation when I'm trying to read the Express. I don't care if you failed your driver's test a second time...even if you are late twenty something and should be utterly embarrassed to be announcing this info. I really don't care "if you bout to kill someone cuz dey dun did you wrong...imma take dem out. you aint NEVA seen dis befo". You are SCARING me. I am glancing at you nervously. Stop it. There are probably other good conversations out there...dont feel like writing them all. My Advice: For the most part, no one riding the metro is important enough to have to talk on the phone whilst commuting. Talk when you walk. Also, even though all cell phones now get metro service, there are still some dead spots (iPhones only). Hearing you say over and over "HELLOOO!?!??! IM IN A TUNNEL?!??! CAN YOU HEAR ME! hellohellohellohello!>>!??!!" ah. so annoying.
• Taking pictures of the metro as it comes it. It blinds the driver and why are you taking a picture of a moving train? Just dont do it.
• THE DOORS. This mainly applies to the orange line but...trying to squeeze in the door when the train is clearly full and people are already virtually kissing each other is a "no no." There is another train coming. WAIT. Yes, onetime I got my arm stuck in the door and managed to pull it out...but I quickly learned my lesson because I was not actually IN the train...I was still on the platform where everyone was looking at me and I turned purple. So now I am sharing my advice with you. Be patient. Your train will come.

Alas, it is time to grab a bite of my 1000 cal (probs more like 1200 cal) burrito from none other than Chipotle so I must cut myself off. This list could essentially go on and on from anywhere to tro'in on the 'tro (throwing up on the metro) to utilizing the metro poles in an absurd and luda way. Those two, of course, usually only happen between 2 AM - 3 AM. The metro, during these hours, kinda reminds me of traveler...

till next time! peace!

Line Anxiety

So as I was waiting in line at Potbelly's yesterday...by myself...I realized that I was very...."angst." The problem: LINE ANXIETY (thanks for the term marf!) Yes, I have a major form of line anxiety.



Line anxiety is when you are standing in a line, nervous about what you are going to order, how you are going to order it, etc, etc. Here is a perfect example:



Yesterday, the lunch line at Potbelly's was snake-ish. It wound around and around and to the door. Dumb of me for deciding to go during the lunch rush, but I was hungrayy! So yes, the line was long. I was about upwards of 30 people deep when i realized that the guy up front was YELLING at people to give their orders from way in the back of the line!!! PANIC!!! AHHHH! Initial thoughts:

• Are they going to be able to hear me from way back here?


• How will my voice sound when I yell out my order?


• What if they ask me something about my order that i dont know and then i become NERVOUS KID: (see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfZ8yVcnLPs)


• Everyone in line is watching me order the most luda sandwich ("The Wreck") on the menu! are they judging? Do i look skinny today?


• What if i want to change my order last minute?!?! I cant even SEE the menu from back here to make last minute decisions!


• Why is everyone getting wheat bread??!?!?! I want white!!! Will they JUUDDDGGEEE?!

Of course, these nervous thoughts are miiilllddllly insane but let's be honest. No one wants their voice to quiver or falter when placing an order in front of a large crowd. And no one wants to be viewed as the nervous kid.

Here's how things paned out:

Waiter: NEXT!!!

Shaun: (somewhat confident voice) Um...a wreck, please?

Waiter: WHAT?!

Shaun: (No confidence) Can i please have a wreck on white?

Waiter: WRECK ON WHIIIIIIIITTTEEEEE!

Shaun: blushing. awk leg movement. frantic look around. EYE.CONTACT.

Line anxiety happens to me at Potbelly's, Chipotle, Subway, Quiznos... Im sure the first time i go to Ben's Chilli Bowl, i will have extreme line anxiety as well.

I know that I am not the only person this happens to. The line anxiety goes triplefold when im by myself. then i have no one to chat with to take my thoughts away from the pressure. seriously, it's like im in Carnegie Hall, about to do a piano recital whilst im standing in line.

How do i get rid of Line anxiety?! someone PUH-leasseee tell me! im only 24 and cannot live the rest of my life this way!!!!

k thanks. :)

Da Duhty Jurz

If you cannot pronounce/figure out the title, this post is probably not for you.

If you can, then YES. I'm talkin about the new MTV show: Jersey Shore. This show fulfills every stereotype that I have EVER had about new jurz. or juhz. or however they say it. I've only seen bits and pieces of 2 episodes, but i know enough already to get the gist of how every show will be. essentially, there is not a plot, because it's unnecessary. their lives are interesting enough as is.

let's take a trip into the house with the Italian flag flapping lazily in the breeze. "Oh no", says Marf, "it's painted on the outside of the house. Even better." agreed.

first things first. their names. JWOWW. The Situation. Snooki (not to be confused with the ghetto name ...and also the name of my teddy bear...."pooki"). what would my name be? shaunbomb. true story: this was actually an exclusive nickname between me and another guy in highschool who called himself the "tombomb." i coulda .01% maybe survived in da jurz! have you ever asked yourself...what would your jersey name be? apparently, there are links that will answer the question FOR you. google it.

secondly, i happened to be the lucky viewer of the epi where the "houseguests" hit up the jacuzzi. i believe one houseguest jurz gurl told anotha featured jurz girl "stop pretendin to be someone else. at least we are really being real." dont quote me, but it was along those lines. then, 2 girls proceeded to make out with 1 guy. over and over. circulating guys. i can't believe the fake, featured jerz girls who didnt want to do this on camera! cmonnnn! this is expected of you! dont be too haughty taughty for the hot tub makeouts!

thirdly, why are there so many Christian crosses on the hairgelled (sp?) guys? im not sure i want the cross on these hooligans. just sayin. wait! hold the phone! Angelina left! now they are saying grace .."bless all the roomies that are still here," says Snooki. aww..sincerity is truly to be valued. Salud!

ok lastly (for NOW)...can you all understand everything they say? i canNOT. worse than southern accents. oml no. i cannot stop now. i just saw a preview for aNOTHER jacuzzi scene. another MO sesh. but...between all da juhz gurls? no surprises here. anytime i watch this show, i will fail to be surprised. nothing will surprise me. snooki and ryder makin out. with snooki holding some champagne. up!, she's MO'in with Mike now. Mike: This is gettin wild right now. watch the show for the following comments.

comment: "...like...sorry, mom."

ahh such a waste of time that im spending. "and im enjoying it" (Marf.)

alrighty, well 9 more minutes. I could probably write an hour (or more) longer based on forthcoming material. (expect a second post) however, i am not gonna waste more of your time as well. it's already been minutely wasted.

salud.

*disclaimer: I have tons of New Jersey friends. But they are from "New Jersey." Not da juhz. there is a difference in my mind. New Jersey people are legit and entertaining in acceptable ways.

Birds at 3:00 AM?

A bird pooped on my head.

Ok, so here's what happened. After a great night of dancing on the long booths offered at Sign of the Whale in Dupont Circle (golly those booths are fantastic!), well la-dee-dah, the bar closed. We all know it's shameful, but worth it to close down the bar. Honestly.

Anywho...so I'm walking outside and lo and behold! I feel a very light pressure apply to my hurr (aka "hair"). I do not like it when people touch my hair. Let it stick out in tiny pieces, let the wind make it fling in unattractive positions...let it be. I'll deal with it the next time i see myself in a mirror slash window. So, quite naturally, I was slightly alarmed. It also alarmed me that ...in my 3 AM, after a fun night of dancing stupor....the pressure felt very much like a light plop.

Casually, whilst chatting with friends and trying to hail a cab, I reached up onto the top of my head, almost as if placing a little stickout out piece back in. It should be no surprise to you, given the title and leading sentence of this post, that I felt good ole' nasty birdy poo. Yes. poo.

Answer this question for me: WHAT are birds doing at 3 AM at night??!?!??! Shouldn't they be sleeping...perched in their little nesties somewhere?! D suggested that it may have been a bat. And if that is the case....I'm disturbed. Let it be known that birds are my least favorite animal. With their wings and their beaks and their little webbed feet. And their disguisting, discolored poo that lands on the heads of innocent bystanders such as yours truly.

To avoid embarrassment about the whole situation, i casually yelled loudly about the bird, looked glaringly into the skies, and angrily and dramatically continued to put my hand in my bird poo hair in typical shaun nature. Makes TONS of sense.

Next time youre out, avoid birds bc apparently, they too, have digestive issues at uncanny hours of the morning...just like you!

The Sunday Night Blues

Ah, another weekend has come and gone. And not just any weekend: Thanksgiving weekend. Most of us (sorry if you didn't) had Thursday and Friday off, and these past four days of gluttony and sloth have given us not just a hangover from the Natie Lights (thank you, friends from high school), but also a mental hangover.

And now, here we are, getting ready to go into another week, with only our fun memories of this past weekend and future promises of dancing sugarplums, peppermint schnapps, and Santy Claus to get us through the week.

But on this lonely, chubby (too much pumpkin pie and punkin ale) Sunday night, you might be asking yourself, "How do I get through this Sunday night without falling into a deep, deep depression as Monday looms forebodingly over my head?" Here is ANOTHER listicle (sorry) of some ideas of helping you get over your Sunday Night Blues.

1. America's Funniest Home Videos. BOB SAGET, the original and undisputed best host (suck it, Daisy Fuentes), of AFV returns this Sunday to lay on the cheesy, tinged with innuendo, jokes. Although the game "Head, Gut, or Groin" (where you guess where the person in the video is going to get whacked) might remind you of how you felt during/after your family feast, but the giggles induced by fat people falling over and little ballerinas farting (even though they aren't the most sophisticated brands of humor), proves the point that laughter is the best medicine.

2. Snuggies. Okay, at first we got a Snuggie as a gag gift. We would put it on and laugh and laugh. Then one day, as naturally as the rising sun, we began to put on the Snuggie and not laugh. It was something we would fight over. Now, I recommend wrapping up in your Snuggie (mine is leopard print) and envelope yourself in it's fuzzy laziness. I just reached my arm to grab some of Tara's "Jewish Cookies" (apparently not just named as such because her mom is Jewish) and I didn't even have to emerge from my blanket.

3. Delivery. The less movement you have to do on Sunday Blues, the better. I recommend surfing seamlessweb and picking out whatever cuisine your heart desires.

4. Laundry. Okay, this kinda goes against number 3. But I believe that if you accomplish something, however so small, then you won't think you wasted your entire Sunday. This minor accomplishment puts you into your week thinking you've got you life in order. For extra perks, wash your sheets. Also: Shower, tidy up, take out the trash (see Youtube vid (srlsy hilarious) for more inspiration: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gx3nn6LS6g).

With that, I'm going to continue to lounge, order a big ole Cobb Salad from Souths, and Extreme Makeover Home Edition is going to help ease me into the harsh reality of Monday.

This post brought to you by Snuggies, ABC, & Souths.

Going Out on a (dun dun dun) Weekday

If you know me, then it should not be a surprise that my first post is about going out … on a weekday. Okay, I don’t go out on the weekday THAT much. But when I do...

Everyone knows the joys of Saturday, Friday, even Thursday nights out on the town. Maybe even the glorious and more elusive “Sunday Funday.” But think back… WAY back... to college. Remember the joys of the mythical Wednesday nights? Monday Night Football parties? Tuesday nights playing Land Mines or Chandeliers? Things were different then, sure. We had fewer responsibilities; we had fried food awaiting us at the d-hall; we had naps.

But why should we have stopped after college? (Did you stop after college?) I know most of us grow up, slow down, get corporate. But did our desire to go out as much really go out the window with the handing of a diploma? Here is a little listicle of why going out during the week is STILL the bee’s knees.

1. Happy Hour. The best part of weeknights is happy hour. I’ve found numerous 1-dollar drink bars lately. 1 DOLLAR! The dollar menu! For beer! It’s magical. The best weeknights build from the happy hour, which acts as a foundation for the best, most economical nights. Also, tuesday nights at Happy Ending have free vodka drinks. FREE. Jeez. Please drink responsibly.

2. The Element of the Unexpected. No one goes out on a weekday as an adult (or at least none of my cohorts) and says, “I’m going to have the best time ever, drink too much, get a kebab at 3:30 am, sleep fully clothed.” These plans are generally reserved for a weekend mentality. Which brings me to my point: You’re low expectations on a weeknight make everything seem that much more fun. Fridays and Saturdays are bloated with high expectations, resulting in disappointment, no kebabs, tears, etc.

3. Play the Odds. If you go out during the week, this puts so much less pressure to have all your fun on weekends. I mean a 5 to 2 weeknight to weekend ratio is just bad odds. Might as well spread it out. And then, also, if on those rare weekends you don’t feel like going out, you get to say, “Oh I had a really wild week.” Automatic cool points. A whole other kind of odds: I've noted, single lady friends, that the girl to guy ratio is very much in your favor during the week. Just sayin.

4. You Can Get In Anywhere. Okay, I don’t love clubs. I generally hate everyone IN da clubs. (I DO like dancing on platforms at clubs, though, Shaun). But I’d rather go to a down and dirty bar, have some cheap beers, and listen to music that doesn’t make me want to weep for our generation (and which consequently makes me feel like my mom). BUT there is something to be said for clubs on a weekday. First of all, it’s much easier to get in. They need your cash (there’s a recession, people). Little do they know you don’t plan on spending a dime (girl power!), but that’s beside the point. Also, celeb sightings are much more likely during the weekday. I saw Joe Jackson, Lil Jon, and Mickey Rourke all on different nights, all during the week (two-thirds of those are terrible, but still). Third, it’s sometimes cool to tell people later that you’ve been to those clubs, especially when you go back on a Friday or Saturday and the doormen laugh in your face. When you get rejected you get to say: “Um, last time I was in 1oak I just walked right in like I owned the place.” Then you get to feel cool and you’re friends will wonder why they aren’t as cool as you! Maybe that’s harsh, but I bet it was their idea to go to a lame club to begin with. So there.

There are numerous other reasons going out on a weekday is good (easy to get cabs, e.g.). But this is all if you can balance and still be responsible at work the next day. (This, I’m guessing, will be for a future post. We can all compile our best strategies for being productive and hiding hangovers the day after an elusive weeknight boondoggle.)

So, dear friends, your humble narrator puts you to sleep with those thoughts. Next time you need a Tuesday tipple, give me a call. We can go get 1-dollar drinks, free drinks, a kebab and have a nice time. Don’t mind if ado. Now I'm going to get a drink.